My Week In Skyrim

Despite the pure awesomeness of comic books, I do have room in my life for other pleasures. I like V8 Fusion juice. There's a whole serving of both fruits and vegetable in one can. Socks bring me joy. The more outlandish, the better. One thing very near and dear to my soul though, is video games. Other than comic books, games have probably had the biggest impact on my life.

The line to get the game at midnight

Before I found the wonderment of getting lost on an epic quest, I was on the fast track to becoming a world-class athlete. Bobby Bowden would come watch my recreation league games when I was a wee tot playing for the Dairy Queen Knights just to ensure his continued dominance at Florida State. Final Fantasy VII would change all that though when my mom bought it for me as a reward for getting straight As on my report card. The greatest video game ever made quickly took over my life and my very being. The way I acted, talked, and thought would reflect every experience I had in my over 200 hours of playing time. So when Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim came out over 10 years later on November 11, 2011 (11/11/11), I knew I couldn't pass up another potentially life-changing opportunity. I turned in my week-long vacation request and hunkered down to begin another worldly adventure.



Prior to embarking on such a journey, one immensely important decision must be made. How do I want my character to look? This will be the visual representation of yourself in the video game. You don't want to look weak, stupid, or unfit to the over 1,000 characters inhabiting the world you're soon to explore. Make sure you create someone you can be proud to be associated with. After an hour of contemplation I finally decided to make myself a Dark Elf, medium build, long white hair, and purple eyes. Yes, this avatar will do fine. This...Champion.

Make sure you're ready to dedicate yourself to this game. Once you start, it will take control of your life. Say goodbye to daylight, healthy meals, and fun with friends. I missed out on a fun night at the Partridge Inn where it looks like Parrish humped a stranger in the back of the head and taking my trademark shots of Qream at Bar on Broad. Oh well though. Skyrim would more than make up for it.

Day 1 - Blind Ambition

My quest begins just as any does. With ambition in my eyes and awe in my heart. The beauty of the landscape and potential for exploration. I take it all in. Oh blessed ignorance. Ironically enough, I quickly found that my week of vacation would be far more work than one under employ. Immediately I am captured as a prisoner of war and sent to the executioner with the leader of the rebellion, Ulfric Stormcloak. I do not know this man. Wrong place, wrong time. Just as my appointment with the void arrives, so too does a dragon. The incredible beast wreaks havoc on the town. The army is in utter dismay and is quickly obliterated. I owe this dragon a debt of gratitude. Or do I?

Quickly I find out dragons are no saviors at all. Quite the opposite really. The tales of yore speak of the the World-Eater. Alduin, the first dragon. I need to make a name for myself. This dragon I shall hunt down. This world I shall save.

Something very interesting happens when I slay my first dragon. He speaks to me. In a tongue that only I can understand. Even more peculiar is my ability to absorb its soul. It makes me feel powerful. So powerful. What am I?

I hear tales of dragon priests that may be able to help me better understand myself. I must see them. But they live so far in the mountains. For now, the road is too dangerous. I must build my strength. Doing some quests to help out some townsfolk will help. I slay bandits, find lost relics, and restore honor to sullied family names. Surely I am ready for the mountain trek.

Day 2 - A Hero Humbled

Nothing can stop me. An entire day spent doing menial tasks have built up my strength. Not once have I encountered any force I couldn't quash. Up the mountain to seek guidance from the Greybeard dragon priests is my next move.

A giant! Oh what a monstrosity. Nothing harms it. Nothing slows it. I am helpless against its power and speed. His strikes send me rolling in the deep chasms of the mountainside. My first defeat. What a bitter taste. Never again shall I feast on such a foul meal.

The giant beats me again. In my anger, I throw my controller down and fall out of my chair. Why can't I beat the game? Why????????

My strategy is clearly not working. I am not ready to see the Greybeards and find out my destiny. Rumor has it that there is a college in the north. A college for mages. I like magic. Maybe that's what I need. The College of Winterhold, prepare to meet your finest student.

More random side quests. This is beneath me. I need the help of these mages though, so I do what they ask of me. I will find your lost amulet, test your new spells, and gather your potion ingredients.

A plot! One of the mages seeks ultimate power. He murders the Arch Mage and tries to tap into the Eye of Magnus. Not without his Stave you don't.

The traitor was easily dispelled. My heroism proves valiant. I am the easy choice for new Arch Mage of the College. My time there has been well spent. My fire magic is twice as strong and I have become quite the conjurer. Surely I am ready for the mountain trek now.

Day 3 - Destiny's Answer

Oh you pitiful giant. So easy were you to defeat. Nothing could stop the turning tables of the combined might of my firebolts, archery, and conjured fire monster.

I arrive at the summit of the Greybeards. An impressive temple. None but one talks to me. Are they being rude? What's their deal?

My first impression of the Greybeards was ignorant. They proved incredibly helpful. They only speak the language of dragons. Except for one. The one who could speak with me told me of my destiny.

The call me Dovahkiin. The dragonborn. Only I have the power to truly rid Skyrim of the dragons. Their souls are strong even after defeat. They always return. Unless I take their souls. I know what I must do. If I defeat the World-Eater in battle and take his soul, I can ensure he will never trouble the world again. How do I find him though?

Day 4 - Joy and Contempt

I am quickly contacted by an ancient organization of dragon hunters called The Blades. No doubt they've heard my impressive tales. They tell me of an ancient artifact that might show me the way to Alduin the World-Eater. I must find it.

Ooooooo!!! The Thieves Guild. I love the Thieves Guild. I will take a break from my quest and join in the fun of thievery and espionage.

I quickly rise in the ranks of the Thieves Guild. Clinging to the shadows and residing in the silence comes natural to me. This is how I should perform all my quests from now on.

Before long, I find out the Thieves Guild has quests of honor too. Bore. I shall finish these quickly and then go on about my business. The world will not save itself.

Day 5 - Respite

It feels like millenia since I have had any form of personal communication in the real world. The only way anyone knows I'm still alive is through Twitter and my awesome tweets. I must pause the game and step out in into the light.

It burns!!! What is it, like 400 degrees. This is November.

Costco is every bit as dangerous as the world of Skyrim. Countless cars waiting for parking spots, hundreds of people jabbering on in the densely populated aisles, and oh so many useless products. No one wants to make their own soda pop. I bring my mother along. She loves it. She goes to every vender to see how every machine works and snacks on every bit of food. Maybe she thinks this is a buffet. Yeah, a buffet of agony.

Despite the lack of awesomeness, it was good to get away from the game for a little bit. I realize I miss my workmates. Lynnsey hassling police officers. Claire's dance moves. Parrish's incredibly inappropriate sexual poses. Curry saying weird things. Sarah stealing the way I narrate my life through the art of song.

I return to Skyrim. Maybe the experience at Costco has taught me something. I may be a fearsome warrior, but I am a fool when it comes to domesticated living. What will I do when I can no longer quest. I don't want to be alone and living a miserable way of life.

I decide to take on a bride. Brelyna Maryon. A dark elf from the College of Winterhold. She's been my travel companion for quite some time now and has proved quite useful. She seems into me too, so I figure I'll throw her a bone (so to speak).

Brelyna stays at home now that we're together. I can't have my wife out on dangerous quests. Something could happen to her. So now she runs a potion store and cooks my dinner for me. Doesn't sing a lovesong though. I like returning home every now and then because her dinner gives me power bonuses and every time I go to sleep to recharge my health, I awaken to a message that says "You awake to your lover's comfort." Oooooohhhh yeahhhhhh. Still, I can't return home every night. Like I said, the world isn't going to save itself.

I am quickly able to find the way to Alduin. I also learn a method to ground dragons, keeping them out of the sky and thus easier to fight. The World-Eater never stood a chance against me. I have braved the horrors of Costco, World-Eater. You are nothing to me.

I jump for joy and shout the way Lebron James does after a big slam dunk. Have I finished? Is this game beaten? The music doesn't stop. I think my journey continues.

Alduin flees. My quest is not over yet. The coward has retreated to restore his power. In a most horrific way.

Day 6 - Mission Accomplished

Feeling my goal is nearly reached, I awake early in the morning to get a jump on my quest. How foolish of me to think it over so early. The pursuit of Alduin proves to be multiple hours of more gameplay. Fine by me.

The Greybeards tell me where Alduin has gone. He gets his power from the souls of man. That is why he wants to destroy all of us. An atrocity! To fully recharge himself, Alduin has gone to another plane where the souls of fallen warriors all gather to feast in the afterlife. It would be Alduin who would feast though, not unlike my mom at Costco.

I enlist the help of one of Alduin's lieutenants to get me to the dead warriors feast. Of course he did not do so without a fight. I capture him and threaten eternal imprisonment if he does not fly me to his master's location.

It was all child's play once I found my rival again. I beat him once and I can beat him again. Sure, he's fully powered now after dining on the souls of dead warriors like the dreaded Disir of Asgardian lore. These warrior souls still have some fight in them though, and their valor would not let them sit idly by as I took on the World-Eater again. Don't you remember how this turned out last time, nemesis?

Storms erupt. Clouds give way, but my firebolts set fire to the rain as they hit Alduin. A thunderous roar. The ground beneath quakes with a fury. The beast has fallen. I approach with the haste of Hermes and strike with my Bound Blade. After 58 hours, 43 minutes, and 36 seconds, I have defeated the enemy of all of Skyrim. The world is safe. You are welcome.

My journey is not over though. That was only the main quest. The world is safe, but there are still people out their who need the Dragonborn's help. Countries in strife. Powers attained.

Day 7 - Neverending Journey

I awake with an immense sense of accomplishment. I have just beaten what is most likely the best game to come out in the last 5 years. Even better, I am probably the first grown man to do so in Augusta, seeing how most adults have better things to do. Whatever. I don't. And I'm not done.

Without the weight of the world on my shoulders, I am able to do anything I wish in the world of Skyrim. First up, the Companions.

Seeing how everyone's favorite movie came out today, I felt joining the Companions would be a most fitting jester to honor Twilight: Breaking Dawn. Why? you ask. Well the Companions are a group of warriors who have chosen to become werewolves to help them better protect people. I too became a werewolf. Owwwwwoooooooo!

The main threat to the Companions is a group calling themselves the Silver Hand. They see werewolves as an abomination. I say werewolves can be good people too. So you must die, Silver Hand. I strike. They strike back, but harder. Our leader falls. A truly tragic tale because he wanted to cure himself of his werewolf nature before he died. He won't go to the afterlife the way he wished to. I will avenge him. The Silver Hand's act of retaliation only drew my ire. I would ensure their cold blades would never feel the warmness of blood again. I slew them all. Easily. Our leader was on to something though. I don't want to be a werewolf. What would my wife think? So I cured myself.

Keeping with the Twilight theme, I kill countless vampires and collect their dust for potions. They are so weak.

Maybe being a werewolf infected me with a taste for blood. Maybe it was there all along. Regardless, I have it now. The Dark Brotherhood is the perfect organization for me. Hired hitmen of Skyrim. I quickly get quite the compelling mark. The one and only Emperor of all of Tamriel (the empire Skyrim belongs to). This will be fun.

Killing an emperor is no small task. Someone like you could never pull it off. Only a true professional could accomplish such a feat. Especially if you want to do it delicately, like I do. I need to lure him to Skyrim. Just so happens that his cousin is to wed a ruler in Skyrim. I go to the wedding and introduce an arrow to her heart at the reception.

The Emperor wants his vengeance. He comes to Skyrim personally. To find his whereabouts I steal the itinerary off one of his most trusted lieutenants. After I slay the lieutenant, I frame him for the murder of the Emperor's cousin. Child's play.

He never knew what hit him. I infiltrated his ship silently. Took down his guards methodically. Walked right into his room and shot an arrow through the neck. Never even saw it coming.

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What a week. It may have actually been more work than actually going to work, but it was so worth it. I may not feel like a new man like the way I did after playing Final Fantasy VII, but those games only come once in a lifetime. Skyrim came close though. But it's not even finished. I still have to either quash the rebellion or destroy the imperial army. I haven't finished building my wonderful dragon armor yet. And I'm sure there are still hundreds of quests that need questing. Also, I'll be waiting for those expansion packs offering up more quests and skills.

Leave a comment about our adventure. Like Button Gwinnett signing the Declaration of Independence, it will make you feel like part of the epic journey as well.

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Comic Books Make Me Cooler

Most people associate comic book nerds as just that. Nerds. I can't deny that reading about men in capes beating up on men wearing fish bowls as helmets is pretty nerdy. Reading these kinds of stories can make you look especially lame if you are ashamed or embarrassed of your passion though. However, if you own up to your love of comic books, a whole world of wonders opens up to you. Your love of comic books can actually make you cool.

Think about it. Anyone who is an expert in something is automatically cool. Oh that guy throws the best football pass? That's so cool! This girl wears the best fashions? Awesomeness!!! Same concept. I'm that guy who knows every superhero's alter ego and villains. I know how Peter Parker died in the Ultimate Universe (spoiler alert). I know how Captain America died (and came back), how Thor's going to die, the entire Green Lantern mythos, Batman's son's name, and even all the changes being made in the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles story. If loving comic books were like being a celebrity, I'd be Justin Bieber. If it were a movie, I'd be Forrest Gump. A sport - football. A liquor - Qream. An SAT section - analogies. That's pretty darn cool, right?

I'm so glad I'm cool. My life would be lame without comic books. I don't even know if I'd have a sense of identity without my pals Namor and Silver Surfer hanging out with me on Wednesdays. I wouldn't have that "thing" that makes me different or better than everyone else. There's nothing cool about that. I suppose I could find another "thing." But what? Videogames? Videogame junkies always end up about as cool as Fred Savage. Movies? Movie buffs are so precocious. Avatar rules! If I didn't have comic books in my life, my attention would probably turn to sports. One must be careful when it comes to sports though. It's a very slippery slope. Falter just a little, and your love for sports can easily be turned to hate.

Enter, Neal Folger. Here we have a man who is the most decent of decent dudes. He goes to church every Sunday. Helps the poor. Loves his mother. And recycles. There is a darkness in his heart though. Sports. His passion started just like any fan's. He likes the Falcons and wants them to succeed. Countless moons pass and all he experiences is failure and heartache, splintering his soul. No longer is winning what he desires. He must have company in his misery. Neal now cares more about your team losing than he does about his team winning. His appetite for hate grows with every passing second. The number of teams he must see lose every week has gone from 3 to 2,915 in only three and a half years. What started as Georgia, has grown to encompass America's team (the Cowboys), and even God's own team (Notre Dame). This once pure soul has been hideously transformed into a black abyss completely void of anything resembling happiness. Poor Neal. Thank you, comic books.

That's only an extreme example. Most people's passion brings out the best in them. If it's something weird, like a cat obsession (you know who you are), then you immediately become more human and easier to joke around with. Meow meow. If your passion is something incredibly difficult, you are the person that will get friendly challenges. Everyone loves duels. Rubics-cube-off! Now. I just won. We all have something we're known for. And pretty much every time, that something makes us cooler people.

So I'm proud of my comic book collection. Every summer all the cool kids come to ask me about all the superhero movies coming out. If someone needs to know what exactly San Diego Comic Con is, that person knows to look for me. What's the deal with the DC relaunch? Grab a chair, partner. It sure feels good to be cool. And it's all thanks to comic books.



**Leave a comment letting me know how super cool you think I am.**

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NCAA/Character Battle Tournament

National Champion

What a fight, right? No not really. As a matter of fact, the championship battle was almost awful. The two combatants were so mismatched that they failed to put up any kind of entertaining offense. In the end though, just as everyone expected, Thor ascended victorious and would feast like a king after the glorious feat of winning my first tournament challenge.

First and foremost, be sure to check out the NCAA/Character Battle Tournament page of my blog. It's an entire section of my blog dedicated to just this feature piece. You'll find the big bracket and results of every game at the top of its page, larger pictures of the brackets, every single update I will make after each day of games, and even a way for you to make your own bracket. Check it out and be sure to leave your comments there. Just click on the NCAA/Character Battle Tournament tab at the top of the page, just below my banner. Or you can even click on the image below that shows you where my Tournament page is.



From the very beginning of the battle, it was clear that Daredevil's luck had finally run out. Anything that worked in previous fights, had no success against the mighty Asgardian. Any ninja or stealth tactics were laughed upon by Thor as he brushed off all close-quarter combativeness and slapped away each sneak attack. If anything, these attacks hurt Hornhead. With each punch against Thor's armor, Daredevil's fists cracked. Each stealth tactic being perfectly countered, disheartened and wounded him. Each flail of a kick would only tire the blind hero out. He was able to land some projectile attacks with his billy clubs though, but those were few and far between and let's be honest. Inconsistent attacks on the God of Thunder don't do any significant damage at all. Daredevil was hopeless in this fight.

Thor wasn't that much more impressive offensively. He didn't have to be. His strategy of standing around laughing at Daredevil's ineffectiveness suited him just fine for the first half of the battle. Perhaps tiring of his opponent's taps and pricks, the Asgardian brought down the hammer in the second half though. Any chance he got, Thor would grab his unworthy opponent and just smash him into the ground. Once he was sufficiently pleased with his foe's placement on the ground, he would pound him continuously with the mighty Mjolnir. Once the God of Thunder tired of this, he would summon forth the ravaging thunderstorms and fry the wounded hero where he laid. Everything came easy for Thor in this match and in the end, he would be the one who made the Man Without Fear finally cower.

The tales of the Mighty Thor shall be recited for ages. In the first round, he utterly dominated the increasingly popular and well-written Batwoman. After that, he conquered the ever-popular ruler of the Dream World. His first true test came when he had to take on one of his oldest friends. But Iron Man too would succumb to Thor's might after a well-fought battle. Lex Luthor also fought hard in the Destroyer Armor, only falling once Thor's cunning and battle-savvy took control. Hulk would test his might against the God of Thunder, but alas it was not enough. And in the very final stage of this epic, Thor, the Asgardian God of Thunder, would make Daredevil, the Man Without Fear, realize that the debacle that was Shadowland wasn't as bad as it could get for Daredevil.


You absolutely have to leave a comment on this page. This took a lot of hard work and I need your feedback. Also, I know you have something to say about some of the action that's going down. Don't be shy. Be heard. Leave a comment. Follow me on Twitter while you're at it, @SoKoJohn.

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Marvelous Bias?

The comic book world is divided into two main publishing companies, Marvel and DC. About 90% of all the comic books you've ever heard of come from these two companies and currently they are about even in terms of sales per month. Naturally, these two publishers have different styles of storytelling. DC is more fantastical and hokie. Marvel is more grounded, while still being about superheroes, and gritty. They're a lot like the differences between Star Wars and Star Trek. I prefer Star Trek, by the way. A few people have accused me of having a Marvel bias. I'm not an irrational person. I can see why some might think that. My blog background consists of only Marvel characters. Ninety percent of my comic book collection, of over 1,000, consists of Marvel comic books. Even my Halloween costumes have only been Marvel-related. My preference does not equal bias though. Marvel's characters are just cooler than DC's. That's a fact. To help prove this I will be presenting you with DC's most recognizable heroes and then comparing them to, not Marvel's most popular, but characters similar to those DC heroes. This will leave some of Marvel's greatests, like Spider-Man, Hulk, Silver Surfer, and Wolverine, out of the competition, seeing as how they have no immediately recognizable similarities with a popular DC hero. By giving DC this upper hand, hopefully I can hammer home the fact that Marvel's characters are better and get some people off my incredibly muscular back.

Captain America vs. Superman

Superman is easily the most popular person in all of comic books. Everyone in every country has heard of him. It's no wonder why he's DC's flagship hero. Marvel's flagship: Captain America. Both are not only icons in the real world, but also in the comic book universes they belong in. They are a source of inspiration to all super heroes. Enough about their similarities though. You people came for a battle.

I want to start off by saying that perhaps "battle" is the wrong word. This comparison isn't about who would win in a fight. That's Superman. He's got every power ever imagined. Of course he'd win. This "battle" is decided by which one is the better character.

Superman may be an inspiration in the DC universe, but in the real world - he's a dork. The boy scouts haven't been cool in 20 years, and Superman is no different. Also, no one likes a person with no flaws. In fact, people despise those guys. Superman is boring to read or watch because he has no real challenge. Every "conflict" of his seems manufactured. "I'm super awesome but that girl still doesn't like me." Yeah right. Lois Lane's everywhere would have no problem hooking up with big beefy Clark Kents.

Captain America is a real hero. Like Superman, Cap was created in a different era and flourished under its sensibilities. Back then, boy scouts and inspirational speeches were cool. They aren't anymore, and thankfully Marvel recognized that. In the cleverest of ways, Marvel brought Captain America into the modern era and gave him this "Man out of Time" dilemma (like Austin Powers except more serious). He still fights for morality, but must also learn to live in a world that's become mostly immoral. He also deals with espionage, terrorists, ghosts from his past, and has a hot blonde girlfriend. Oh. I forgot to mention. HE ONCE PUNCHED HITLER....IN THE FACE.

This one's easy.

Winner: Captain America

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Daredevil vs. Batman

Batman might be the most popular comic book character in the world right now (thanks to Chris Nolan's amazing movie adaptations of him). I wish Daredevil got the same treatment, but Ben Affleck had a little something to say about that. Regardless, both heroes are the tortured souls of DC and Marvel. They're also the kings of what's known as "street-level" crime fighting, meaning they deal mostly with robberies and gangs as opposed to worldly threats. Which hero is cooler though?

Batman is certainly more popular. He's been around decades longer, has six more live-action movies, and starred in tons of cartoons (including one really good one). He also has more interesting bad guys (don't sleep on Bullseye and Kingpin though) and, even though he doesn't have any powers, would probably beat Daredevil in a fight because he's such a great strategist and has a gadget for every possible scenario. I love Batman. I don't love Bruce Wayne though. He's just not an interesting character and I hate every attempt to make him interesting, especially Damian, his ultra annoying, ill-begotten son.

Matt Murdock, Daredevil's alter-ego (you probably didn't know that), is incredibly interesting. He's probably more fun to read about than Daredevil himself. Bruce Wayne may have witnessed his parent's death but Matt Murdock is infinitely more tortured. Not only did his father also die, but two of his girlfriends were murdered in front of him, one of which was told she was HIV positive just so a bad guy could mess with Matt's head. His blind wife was put into a mental institution. And his secret identity was outed to the press, leading to his arrest. He's a ninja too. Matt Murdock, along with Daredevil, is a great character to read about.

This is a tough one for me. A problem with Batman is that the Nolan movies are better than any Batman comic book I've read. They're good books, but Daredevil's are just so much better. My decision is sure to upset some, but if you've payed any attention, you're sure to agree.

Winner: Daredevil

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Ms. Marvel vs. Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman is pretty much a Lady-Superman. All the guy heroes look up to Superman in the DC universe and all the gals admire Wonder Woman. Ms. Marvel is, of course, the preeminent heroine in the Marvel universe. As far as powers go, both are remarkably similar. They can fly, are super strong, and prefer to fight in absurdly uncomfortable-looking costumes.

The similarities between Wonder Woman and Superman continue past their icon statuses unfortunately. Like Superman, Wonder Woman is a prude. In the 50s, she was probably this really cool chick who could do all the things men could do. All women can do that now. Wonder Woman's characterization is stuck in the past and her super coolness faded accordingly. She's more of a stuck up old fuddy duddy now. Recent Wonder Woman writer John Michael Straczynski even said a fan wrote and complained about him livening up the character by making her flirt a little. The fan said it was like "reading about his grandma hitting on dudes." Wonder Woman a grandma?!? Say it ain't so!!!

Ms. Marvel is just as strong as Wonder Woman, but she's sassy too. She's a modern girl. She goes on dates, whines about her life, listens to Lady Gaga, and jokes around with the girls. Her heroic problems are far more interesting than Wonder Woman's also. Ms. Marvel is trying to fulfill her legacy as Captain Marvel's successor and become the most popular super hero while doing it. Every girl wants to be popular. That's what makes Ms. Marvel feel natural.

Wonder Woman has gone the way of invisible jets. Who needs her? This one isn't even that close if you think about it. Ms. Marvel, you're hot stuff. Wonder Woman, you're a hot mess.

Winner: Ms. Marvel

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Iron Man vs. Green Lantern

Continuing on with the theme of judging women, here come the womanizers of comic books. Iron Man and Green Lantern are known as the fly boys of their respective publishers. Both are constantly hooking up with random women and are known to be extremely arrogant, sometimes not even in the good way. Both also led to a sort of destruction of their superhero communities. Why would anyone like them then?

Surprisingly, I'm not that big a fan of the Green Lantern himself. He's not an extremely interesting character. He's just a guy who is confident in himself, so others are too. Green Lantern's appeal is the overarching story and supporting characters. No other place in comic books will you read a story more epic and fascinating then in the pages of Green Lantern. Emotional Spectrum of powers? COOL! Awesome enemies becoming allies in the face of greater evil? SWEET! Outer space? I THINK MY HEART JUST STOPPED!!! I wrote a feature story on this very blog about a single element of the greater Green Lantern mythos. That's how cool it is.

Iron Man. That's a character I'm a huge fan of. He's the kind of cocky jerk I can relate to. He's never ashamed to admit he's the best at every thing he does, and people get angry about it. I know how you feel, Tony Stark. People are mad jealous of me too. Iron Man and I are so much alike. It's too bad he has the opposite problem of Green Lantern. Iron Man's stories just aren't as interesting as the character. He fights a bunch of Iron Man wannabes and terrorists. I could watch that boring stuff on the news. It also seems like he's fighting the same Iron Man wannabes over and over again: a Stane, or Hammer, or Dynamo. His comic book series is good. Don't get me wrong. It's only good because Iron Man is such a great character though.

This one is sure to raise a few eyebrows but I just can't turn my back on awesomeness when I see it.

Winner: Green Lantern

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Quicksilver vs. Flash

Here come the speedsters of DC and Marvel. They run fast. That's it.

I'm not a fan of Flash. All he can do is run fast. Usain Bolt can do that. Show me something I haven't seen. Also, the source of Flash's power, the Speed Force, is a lame attempt at replicating the mythology behind the Green Lantern universe. ICK!!! He's insanely popular though. I just don't get why.

Probably none of you have even heard of Quicksilver. And for good reason. I really hate Quicksilver. At least his speed is easily explainable, however. He's a mutant. Other than that, he's got nothing going for him. Quicksilver is a crybaby and a wuss, constantly getting beat up. In fact, I want to give a quick high five to my boys, Black Bolt and Magneto, for giving him some of the most passionate beatings ever seen in print. Quicksilver's costume sucks too.

Both of these guys are losers. One just slightly less than the other.

Winner: Flash

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Namor vs. Aquaman

Both of these guys are the King of Atlantis in their respective universes. When it comes to the ocean blue, these guys are unbeatable...I think. Namor is at least.

This match-up really doesn't require any explanation, but I'll humor you anyway. Aquaman is the butt of every comic book joke. Family Guy makes fun of him for being useless on land. The guys on Big Bang Theory get upset when they are forced to dress up as him. Aquaman is a joke of a character and deserves zero respect.

Namor, on the other hand, is amazing. He's arrogant like the Green Lantern and Iron Man, but only in the bad way. I love that. Namor knows he's hardcore and acts so. He doesn't ask America for permission to do things that are beneficial for his country. He doesn't care if that woman is married to you. He doesn't listen to you, because he is better. Namor is also one of the strongest characters in the Marvel Universe, in or out of the water. I'm ashamed that my idol, King Namor, even has to be compared to that peasant, Aquaman.

Don't make me laugh.

Winner: Namor

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Thor vs. Martian Manhunter

Every story needs the strong, silent type. A misunderstood tough guy. One brooding hero. Thor and Martian Manhunter fill those roles for Marvel and DC respectively. Both of these guys provide a nice contrast to the in-crowd of superhero teams because they just aren't like the other heroes. Martian Manhunter is from Mars. Thor, the God of Thunder, is from a completely different realm, Asgard. No one understands these beasts. Except me of course.

If you thought Superman had every power imaginable, then Martian Manhunter will blow your mind. He actually could do that. Martian Manhunter has all of Superman's abitities along with telepathy, telekinesis, and shape shifting. He's not a dork though, so that's OK. He doesn't preach to everyone on the right way to lead their lives or rescue cats from trees. Martian Manhunter feels legitimate sadness about being trapped on Earth and having no lady martians to hook up with. All in all, he's a pretty cool dude.

Thor is the man. He may not have every power in the universe, but he has a lot of the power that he actually can wield. Practically no one is a match for the Mighty Thor. His storms of lightning, torrents of wind, and earthquakes have stopped Ice Giants, Hulks, and demons in their tracks. Even heroes have been known to fear the wrath of Thor when he's in a bad mood. I'm looking at you Iron Man. Also, the Thunder God is well known for his arrogance. If you haven't noticed yet, I'm a big fan of that.

Martian Manhunter is cool, but this one isn't even fair.

Winner: Thor

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Dr. Strange vs. Zatanna

Magic exists in comic books too. DC's resident mage is Zatanna Zatara. Marvel has Stephen Strange, or Dr. Strange if you know him well enough. Which one is truly magical though?

Zatanna is a girl. She's got that going for her. Her costume is pretty cute too. Other than that, she's pretty lame. Zatanna usually has to say what she wants to do, except backwards, in order to cast a spell. So to defeat her, her enemies shut her up. I guess that's some sort of symbolism that a woman's power is "running her mouth." Shame on you comic book creators. What's next? Making her secret headquarters a kitchen? That is so anti-feminist.

Dr. Strange is the Sorcerer Supreme. I could stop right there and you'd be willing to agree with my final decision, but I'll continue anyway. The Sorcerer Supreme is the person responsible for keeping tabs of all the magic in the world. Suffice to say that Doctor Strange is an important guy. He's also capable of incredibly powerful feats, such as altering the memories of every human on the planet or time travel. Additionally he protects us from monsters wanting to control our dreams and demons wanting to steal our souls. Thanks for that Doc.

Zatanna has some potential of becoming cool, but Dr. Strange is already there, girlfriend.

Winner: Dr. Strange

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Hawkeye vs. Green Arrow

Not every hero on a superhero team has to have super powers. These two guys are just Average Joes. Unless you consider archery a super power. I sure do.

Green Arrow is pretty much just a Robin Hood ripoff. He's a guy who brings street smarts to the fancy superheroes. Other than that, he's an ancillary character at best. Oh. And he's a complete Robin Hood ripoff.

Hawkeye represents the value of hard work in the Marvel Universe. He's always been the world's greatest marksman, but never quit trying to prove himself. Idolizing Captain America, Hawkeye would eventually become a world-class fighter, battle-tested strategist, and all-important leader. In fact, Hawkeye has been on as many Avenger rosters throughout the years as Iron Man has.

Green Arrow is a bologna. Hawkeye is fillet mignon.

Winner: Hawkeye

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What? The competition's over already? Let's see who won. Dang that was a butt-whooping. By my count, Marvel wins 7 to 2. And only one of those is a legitimate victory. Flash only won because he sucked less than Quicksilver. Even with home court advantage, DC wasn't able to put up a fight. So get off my back, all you haters. I have proved that Marvel's characters are just better than DC's. Simple as that. Like what I said? Please comment. Disagreed? Comment then too so I can see exactly what's wrong with you. Also, leave a comment about some of your favorite heroes that I failed to mention. We can shoot the breeze. Follow me on Twitter while you're at it, @SoKoJohn.

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On a side note, DC does have one thing going for it. Conan O'Brien's comic book character, the Flaming C, was created at DC and is probably one of the coolest I've seen in almost forever. He's the first superhero to ever wear loafers, has an oven mitt that stays warm forever, and sports the Star of David. The next big thing I tell you!!!

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